Unstable relationships
My new (and renewed) relationships generally follow a pattern, which is a lot like falling in love with a song.
Originally published on my Instagram page on 19 June 2024
Note: the usage of the word ‘relationships’ refers to all relationships including family and friendships. Romantic relationships have been called out separately.
This post is to show you how this symptom manifests in people with BPD. Please do NOT use this information out of context to further stigmatize people with BPD.
This was the symptom that really stood out to me. I had had so many failed relationships with lovers, friends and family.
The two years following my divorce, I was convinced that I was a monster. My reasoning was that in all of the failed relationships, there was only one common factor: Me.
I was diagnosed two years later and therapy helped me identify how my disorder affected my interactions and how to manage my thoughts, emotions, and impulses.
My new (and renewed) relationships generally follow a pattern, which is a lot like falling in love with a song.
I get attached quickly. The song hasn’t even ended and it’s already saved into my liked songs simply because something draws me to it.
I put everything into the relationship. Text them, hang out with them, pamper them. I listen to the song to death.
Two outcomes could follow:
The friendship plateaus, and I keep in touch once in a while. The song is no longer on repeat or at the top, but I listen to it when shuffle is on.
The friendship gets ruined and we part ways. Something about the song gets to me and I just cannot listen to it anymore, so it gets removed from my liked songs.
Emotional dysregulation and fear of abandonment largely contribute to ruining relationships, especially if the disorder is left untreated. It can lead to
Requiring constant validation
Contacting them too frequently
Reading silence as anger or resentment
Being passive-aggressive instead of direct
Leaving the relationship before they can
Guilt-tripping them if they try to leave
This leads to people getting scared and ending the relationship. These behaviours are desperate measures to calm the intense emotion or fear and is a lot for another person to deal with.
Another contributor to the wavering nature of relationships in BPD is that the disorder makes us vulnerable to abuse.
The fear of abandonment, anxiety, depression, self-harm, and even just the mere diagnosis of a mental illness can become fodder for manipulation.
“Why are you such an attention seeker?”
“It’s all in your head!”
“Do you know what all I’ve put up with?”
“You’re crazy!”
A tell-tale sign of things being unequal is when you are doing everything by the book of recovery and things are still tumultuous.
When I began to significantly recover from BPD, the relationships that were toxic began to struggle and eventually came to an end.
It is important to note that not all relationships that don’t work out are a product of the disorder or abuse. Sometimes, things just don’t work out. Communication styles don’t match or life just gets in the way.
There are a couple of syndromes that intersect with BPD and impact relationships.
The Favourite Person Syndrome is having one person at any given point in time that is treated and understood differently from the rest. They are idolized and their validation trumps all. I feel the urge to contact them all the time. They are always on my mind. Just there, in sight, while the rest of cognition carries on. The relationship is inherently unequal through no fault of either party, and has the tendency to become detrimental to both parties’ lives.
Note: I will be covering this in greater detail in the future
And then, there’s Limerence, which I learned of only recently.
It’s like the Favourite Person but with the added ingredient of romance, most often unrequited. The person may not be interested. They may be unavailable but your feelings for them are relentless.
This can make it very hard for you to get over the person in their presence. But more importantly, should the object of limerence reciprocate your feelings, there is possibility of abuse.
I cannot attribute the failure of my relationships to either-or. But I know that this is an area of certain difficulty for me because of the BPD. So, I’m learning to
See the impact that the disorder has on my behaviour and find ways to regulate it
Identify red flags of manipulative or abusive behaviour
Assert myself, communicate clearly and resolve conflicts without escalation
If you are dealing with someone who displays the behaviours described in the earlier slides, get them professional help.