Originally published on my Instagram page on 10th June 2024
Fear of abandonment feels like the fuel that drives the BPD. It is the central theme of many of the intrusive thoughts that I experience.
But it’s not always about people leaving.
Sometimes, it’s about being alone in the BPD itself, going through it alone, people not understanding me, people getting tired of trying to understand me and being left in that spiral by myself.
Just a couple of days ago, I understood why the BPD does what it does.
There was a real wound (or maybe even wounds) from abandonment in the past. It could have been real abandonment or even just a perception of it. But my brain had to, at some point, work towards healing it.
The wound no longer exists. But my brain remembers. And so it works to remove the phantom wound that no longer exists.
Before recovery, the fear was like a background task that was always running, surveying to see who is coming into my life and more importantly, who is leaving.
Someone’s words may trigger feelings of doubt. It may have been a harmless joke, a slip of the tongue or simply a message without an emoji. It’d feel uncomfortable. It’d feel like a warning, reminding me to keep an eye on the door.
And then the checks:
“How long has it been since we spoke?”
Scroll to see the timestamp of their last message
“When was the last time they were online?”
Check their last seen if it’s available.
Check their social media for new posts.
“Are they ignoring me?”
Check last few messages.
Check if I said something wrong.
“Did I send too many messages?”
Count the number of messages sent
“Did I always send this many messages?”
Count the number of messages sent before the last time they responded
“Are they mad at me?”
Read between the lines. Dissect. Put it under the microscope.
Send screenshots to friends and ask if you’re overreacting
Then I reach out.
“Hi, uhm. Are you mad at me?”
“I’m sorry. I just haven’t heard from you in a while. Is everything okay? Did I say anything wrong?”
“Sorry, it’s just that you normally reach out at least once a week! I just want to make sure I haven’t said something to push you away.”
If I came to my senses soon enough, I would delete the messages. If I didn’t, my worst fears would come true.
The fear of abandonment would inadvertently cause behaviour that would scare people into leaving.
And I couldn’t even blame them. Because once the smoke cleared, I could see that I had, in fact, overreacted.
Any further effort on my end would just drive them further away. I would have to live with consequences of my actions, even if I had made them in a moment of illness.
The flipside of it is that it makes you go to extreme lengths to keep people in your life.
So, you go back to them, even though they treat you badly; and then find ways to blame you for the pain they caused.
You don’t block them days, even weeks and months, after they cross lines and dismiss boundaries. Why? Because they stayed.
Now, I am handling it somewhat all right... most of the time. Here’s how:
I have ‘read receipts’ and ‘last seen’ off
I do not rely on hints and tell people I prefer direct communication
If I “feel” something is wrong, I give it a day. They could be busy. I could be emotional.
If the feeling persists, I ask them only once. I then trust their answer.
I remind myself that people come and go. And more often than not, it’s not personal.